A morning without pain, when every other morning was full of it, takes getting used to. Physical pain locks you in, and restricts the number of movements you are willing to take. It changes the way you plan your day. It changes the way you view getting up to the kitchen. A cup of juice, or iced tea, doesn’t seem worth it anymore, because it means triggering the lava in your muscles. A cup of coffee or water is always worth it, though. They’re essentials. Memories of going without coffee or water make your heart race, like an animal in the woods. Except you’re in your house, surrounded by all the things that you need.
The drugs I was taking to reduce my mental pain turned on me one day, and began making my muscles burn. No one knew how long it was going to last. I had to keep on working and surviving, despite it. I had to hide it, too. I had to stop taking the drugs. Slowly, my body cooled, and the winter in my mind returned as well. Still, though, I could move around again. But, it was long enough that I associated pain with so many things. I had to remind myself to love movement again. It sort of made me laugh to do that. I’ve always thought life was sort of bizarre. It’s the only thing I find charming about it.
I wrote this about taking a break from Kratom….decided to add it as an anecdote to the novel I’m writing. ❤